Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
