Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
