i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
