I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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