Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
