this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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