just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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