I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
