I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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