If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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