So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My cat gives me a boner
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
BRING THE BAGELS
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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