If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
