On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
And then he peed in my hair
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