if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
