I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Text me some of your sweat
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
