I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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