My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
