Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
