Kiss
Puke
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
