I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
try to milk me bitch
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
