Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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