so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
