i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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