About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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