I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
