apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
