i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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