I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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