I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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