The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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