We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
