I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
