Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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