you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
