last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
