Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
