my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
