hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
