grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
