we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
