one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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