Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
