Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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