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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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