Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
