I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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