Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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