Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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