My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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