Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
