Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
