i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
