She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
