i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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