Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
