I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
